Permission

 For some reason last night, I was in the mood for Up. And I haven't watched it since it came out, so I wanted to re-visit it. Spoilers: it still makes me cry, ha.

But it was interesting, because I did make me cry for different reasons this time. (This is shaping up to be a great post [that's sarcasm].)
(....is that the right punctuation? Someone help me out here.)


I first saw Up when it was originally released in theaters. Earlier that week I had been to my grandmother's funeral on one side of my famiy. At the end of that week, my grandfather on the other side of my family told me he was no longer going to take chemo treatments. That night my niece spent the night and so we went to Up.

So with that intro....
I silently cried through the entire movie. I have never been so grateful for 3D glasses in my life. My niece was unwitting and I sat there, leaning on the other arm of the chair, trying to unconspicuously wipe tears away from my eyes. And when Carl picks up her chair when the whole house is shaken? SOB. SOB, that chair. Ellie's chair. Carl's chair. Sob. It's such a perfect detail, but what a heart-breaker.
My niece and I left (also worthy of note, I think this was the movie I accidentally threw my keys away in the trash can with our drinks, and we had to go back and fish them out. Insert faceslap emoji here.) We both enjoyed it, she loved Carl & Ellie's story at the beginning the most (excellent job, Pixar) and my crying was actually really cathartic all things considered. 

But what got me this time - almost eleven years later, and the losses of all of my grandparents by this point, one I had taken care of- was when Carl rediscovers Ellie's Adventure book. When he's finally on top of Paradise Falls, what he's fought for the entire time, and has left Kevin and Russell and Dug to their own devices. And he's looking through Ellie's Adventure book, and the pages slip, and he realizes she's added to the book. And she's added photos of their life (are you crying yet?) together, and at the end she has written "Thanks for the adventure - now go have a new one! Love, Ellie."

..........

AND THEN CARL EMPTIES HIS HOUSE AND DONS THE BADGES AND GOES AFTER HIS FRIENDS, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, PEOPLE. HOW ARE YOU NOT CRYING.


Look.... if I'm not lying, if I'm being brutally honest, I still look for that piece of paper, all these years later. Literally. Every time I go through old documents.
I still look for permission.
From any of my losses. Somewhere. Someone. Please give me permission to move on.
Someone please tell me it's okay.

And that was so.... for lack of a better word, to use it again.... cathartic to see.
Permission. 

Written so well. A reminder that what you had with them is not wiped out. It is not gone. 
But there is still.... more.
And that's... okay. 

And they want you to go for it.