Better

This is really not a completed post. Well, it sort of is, but it's not very edited or cleaned up. I'm just tinkering with things, still working them out in the written form too, and not trying to feel too locked down by getting it just right at the moment.

I've been doing really well. Surprisingly, gratefully well.

That's not to say I don't still struggle with anxiety, but within the last several weeks I've been managing it better. I haven't felt like I've been paralyzed by terror, I've actually felt quite significantly lighter.

But last night late it did hit. I was in bed, reading, with the back of my mind half-working on some combinations to question I had when suddenly I realized it was all over me. My breath was tight, my body was tight and my mind felt like it was building up in layers of fear and I immediately began telling myself "It's okay, it's okay, you're okay," which seems to be my immediate response anymore - not that that alone does a lot of good, ha - but it's an impulse reaction. No, no, no, don't panic, you're fine, you're safe, don't freak out, don't fear, but it's too late, you are already afraid. It doesn't matter that there's not really a reason to be afraid, that you're seemingly not in immediate danger. What matters is you're scared.
And actually, realizing that alone has helped me a lot, in a couple different ways.

1) It changes the question.
A couple years ago when I first started realizing what I was struggling with was anxiety, which did take awhile, and I finally started trying to work on it, I started asking myself "What is causing your anxiety? What are you thinking about?" when it would strike up.
But truth be told, I wasn't able to answer that often. I mean, I usually had no clue. Sometimes I could point out things. Oh, I'm going to this event. I'm about to talk to someone. I've got a lot going on at work. This thing is stressing me out. But usually, I was left feeling clueless and frustrated. Beats me, really, I was just standing here. I was just sitting here. I didn't even think I was stressed. Suddenly I'm just overwhelmed.
But when I realized anxiety was primarily fear based, I started asking myself "What are you afraid of?" And that question I can usually answer in spades. I'm usually highly in tune with what I'm absolutely terrified of in that moment. Oh, I'm definitely terrified of hanging out with a group. I'm terrified of making terrible financial decisions. I'm terrified if this is morally wrong. I'm deeply afraid right now that I'm going to get hurt.
It doesn't sound that different, but it often changes the mental conversation for me. And it clues me in to what's flaring up beneath the surface. Even if the fear isn't necessarily "realistic," it doesn't matter, I'm still living in fear of it and it's still eating me inside out.

2) It's like emotional inflammation.
One of the first ways I really started to visualize anxiety was massive red, infected tissue. All I could think of to call it was inflammation, it just felt like everything was highly inflamed and irritated and when I went to describe it it was often as this massive, red infected....blob....or tissue or something that was in my head. Later I realized that was actually pretty true, my emotions were inflamed. My therapist, in a previous conversation, had told me that he had worked with cancer patients on pain management about imagining their pain as blue, as it cooling off and calming down. So.... I tried that. I began to envision that red, pulsating inflamed mass as cooler, in blues, as getting smaller and smaller and.... it helped. It didn't solve it. But it was a trick that helped calm me down.
My emotions were inflamed. My fear, my anxiety, my grief, everything was ripped open and left raw. And then they felt like they were getting raked back open every moment of every day. They needed to heal. But first that inflammation had to come down. My anxiety needed to come down.

Again, imagining things as blue, it doesn't always help. It sounds absurd. But now that it's a trick I've gotten more accurate at using, it often helps a lot.
And, if you're anything like me, a lot of tricks and tools do sound ridiculous. I never got on board with how I was told about grounding, "You sit in your chair and feel the arms of the chair and describe the way the arms feel to you. And then move to another part of the chair."
I just could never do that.
But I've learned I do ground myself in similar ways, but ways that are just tailored more for me, and therefore work better for me. I personally love blankets. I've become a very tactile person and so I started using that to my advantage. I often ground myself by wrapping up in soft blankets and being very aware of it on my skin. That's really soothing for me.
Last night when things flared up and everything felt suddenly intense, I pressed the backs of my fingers against my headboard. It felt cold. It was something I could touch that brought me back into the moment.

3) The more tricks, the better.
Look, you're smart. And you know yourself pretty well. And you're going to outwit yourself. Your anxiety knows all the ins and outs of your system because it's you. It knows just how to play you. I feel like you are essentially fighting yourself.
So learn all the tricks and learn to use them. It doesn't matter if they feel silly, if they work use them. Because certain tricks aren't always going to work in all situations. You'll learn how to attack your anxiety with tricks and you'll get to a point where you may be able to quickly tell if that particular trick/ tool is helping in that moment. And if it's not, try another one. Try another one. Try another one. Don't be afraid to attack it with every tool in your belt. Because one alone may not work, but several of them combined together just might. Pick away at it until it gives way, or at least until it gives enough you can continue on. And the more apt you become at using these tools, the less energy they often take from you. They'll become like any accomplishment that gets easier as you practice. And practice! When it hits, and it probably often does, practice, practice, practice. Begin to look at those times as chances to practice. It puts you back in control instead of letting your anxiety have free reign. Build up that muscle and push back.
And don't expect to always win. You probably won't. Anxiety will win. But they're just battles, just skirmishes. They're not the war. Give yourself the grace to fall down, because you can get back up. There's probably reasons, and possibly very good reasons, why you have full-fledged anxiety. It's going to take some time to reduce that fear and smooth things out. And that's okay.

4) Do something you can control.
As I sat there, stunned, trying to process that it had hit me so hard and came out of nowhere, the very first tool that came to my mind was do something.
It was late, all I had left to do was brush my teeth, but I got up and did it. And even that tiny action helped get me started pushing back.
Do something that makes you feel productive or accomplished or puts you back in control. It doesn't have to be a huge, heroic action. Do something small. Sometimes I clean a counter. Sometimes I get outside the house. Sometimes I do jumping jacks. It doesn't have to be a huge declaration or goal. Just check something off quick that lets you feel like it's not running you, that you're back in control and then begin to pick at it from there.

In the end, I brushed my teeth, laid back down, curled up under blankets, buried my head in my hands and cut out a lot of stimulus and pressed my hand up against the headboard. After about twenty minutes, I came out of it, almost giddy with relief. I still don't often win quite that well, nor am I usually in a position where I can actually lie down. But that's why you need lots of tools. To help you in whatever situation - work, home, out with friends, wherever - you may be in.  


I'm clearly not a therapist, I'm clearly not a doctor. I'm not professional help. I'm not someone who knows what they're doing, really. I'm just somebody who currently lives with anxiety and is in the process of working out their own kinks and thought I'd mention some things that helped me, in case they help you.